Wednesday, June 20, 2007

What exactly is "mouse derivation?"

I love the Adwords ads I'm getting:

Equine Embryo Transfer

Mouse Derivation

I couldn't have gotten those if I'd tried.

Well, I'm pretty sure that no one's actually read any of this aimless blog, ok, like 1 or 2 people were probably not me or some web crawler/verification/spider thing. I had 8 visitors in 1 day, according to Google Analytics (I do love Google - they might turn on us in 10 years and try to make us all worship them, but in the meantime I'm a big fan) - so 8 visits in one day! That's really almost exciting if you have gotten about 20 total. And some were probably me, for all I know.

Unfortunately, even if they were all individual people who are not me, I doubt that very many of them are in the market for an "Equine Embryo Transfer." I don't think I'm gonna get rich on the internet anytime soon.

The weirdest thing about writing on here and checking the stats occasionally is that in many ways, I *hope* no one's reading it. Cause a lot of it makes me feel silly to look back on it. I just start writing in my odd way and don't stop. I'm just writing to myself more than anything. Not to say that if you're reading this I want you to leave immediately, I'm just terribly shy and guarded in many ways, even in an anonymous setting like this. I've got a few issues to work out.

Well, I'd like to end with a suggestion that you check out that whole "Mouse Derivation" thing and just see what it is. It'd probably make me like 2 cents. I still don't even know how much you get from a click! Then like 10 years from now, I might get a check from Google once I've reached the minimum payment of 25 bucks or whatever. Unless Google has taken over the world by then and your ad clicks were the currency and how you were taxed, in which case, if my stats dropped too low, or never rose at all, i'd be deported or executed. I'd rather just get the $25 check. Hopefully they won't take over the world.

Victims of technology

Where have all the pneumatic tubes gone? Those were some of the coolest things on the planet. When I was a kid, late 70s, early 80s, you saw them around at banks, some stores, maybe libraries. They had these capsules - cylinders about 4 inches in diameter and around 10 inches long. You put whatever you wanted to put in them, popped it into this pipe next to you, and it was instantly whisked away to the other end, which could be 20 feet, 100 feet away. I don't know what kind of range they had. But they made a cool sound when they got sucked in, like a vacuum sort of thing, and if you were on the other end, there's nothing there, then BAM - you've got mail. Or a memo, or cash, or gerbils - whatever they needed to send that could fit in the tube.

When I finally have my dream house, there WILL be pneumatic tubes. I promise you that. Also a dumbwaiter - a strong one, that I could actually climb into and hoist myself up in, or just hide and eavesdrop on people. Or hide from ax murderers in. I think I got the dumbwaiter fixation and all its attending scenarios from reading Harriet the Spy as a kid. Finally, my house will have a laundry chute and it'll have one of those big old laundry carts at the bottom. The type prison inmates use to escape in old movies. Again, the laundry chute will have to be big enough for me to get in it and slide down into a pile of sheets or something in the laundry cart.

The ultimate, though, would be a capsule for a pneumatic tube big enough to get into. You could step in while it was on those conveyer-belt type of rollers, then push a button on the inside that made a thing on the outside push it, on the rollers, into the tube. Then you'd make that cool sucking sound and you'd be off. Unless you made the tube sideways on one end, I think you'd end up starting off right side up and ending up upside down. Best to plan ahead for that, I think.

That would be the coolest thing for me short of a roller coaster that runs through a big house, or a room where you walk in and the floor's like 10 feet down and you have to swing around on all these ropes hanging from the ceiling, and then there'd be rope swings with seats, or an island in the middle of it (maybe with stairs so you could climb back up if you feel, otherwise you'd need another door - but that door could take you to the laundry room! such exciting possibilities, huh?). And at the bottom of the room, it'd be filled with Nerf balls or something like that. If I was Bill Gates rich, I'd build that place right now. Secret passages, too. And a tunnel system that takes you to a little shed or cabin a quarter mile away.

This reminds me, I have to go check my Mega Millions ticket. Seriously.

Saturday, June 16, 2007